In theory, the one-button upgrade should be easy but I am finding it really hard to concentrate because every time I am about to press the button, Kanye West bursts into the room, grabs my mouse and says "I'm really happy for you and Ima let you finish ... but Beyonce has the best upgrade process of all time!"

This happens eight or nine times before I finally became irritated and shout "Dude, stop! And how the fuck did you get into my house anyway?"

Damn, it is only a button press, but there's no way I'll be able to get this done while Kanye keeps interrupting. The only way I can get Kanye to shut up is to get an even bigger celebrity to help me out. I consider calling Beyonce, Kanye is obviously impressed by her, but no, that wouldn't be a good idea - I forgot to phone her after the last time she stayed over and that was weeks ago, it would be kind of awkward getting in touch again now.

There is only one other celebrity who is both big enough to make Kanye West quieten down and who also knows all there is to know about WordPress upgrades: Matt "telescopic lens" Mullenweg!

But how do I get him here? The answer hits me in a flash of inspiration: I'll pretend to hold a WordCamp and Mullenweg will magically appear, he can't resist those. I scribble the words "WordCamp Donnacha's House 2009" on a piece of paper, stick it to door of my office and, in a flash of fire and brimstone, there he is, Dr. Blog himself. He is wearing a hat.

Just as I'd planned, Kanye is suddenly being very quite, clearly in awe at being in the presence of a real celebrity.

"Er, Matt," I say, "I was wondering ... er... I thought you might like to give your keynote on the topic of er ... How to Upgrade Donnacha's WordPress!"

"Hmmm, okay" says Matt, "But first I want to review your security procedures; what version of WordPress are you using?"

"Um, I'm not sure but I haven't upgraded recently, I've been really busy".

Matt looks at the screen and gasps "But this is B2!"

"Yeah" I say, somewhat ashamed, 'I've been really busy since, er, 2003".

Mullenweg asks me what password I would like to use. I smile and proudly tell him that I use the same password for everything because it's easier to remember. Matt looks uneasy. Well, what is it, he asks. The word "password" I tell him. He slaps me.

"Donnacha, I'm very disappointed, you need to take this upgrading thing more seriously" say Matt as he grabs me and we fly up into the night sky, zooming above the twinkling cityscape. I feel like Louis Lane.

We land in a rough part of town, right in front of a mad, raving homeless guy. It takes me a moment to realize that this wretched, ranting, unwashed creature is Robert Scoble, the legendary Scobleizer.

"My blog got hacked and I've lost EVERYTHING" he wails.

Matt is unsympathetic: "Robert, I was worried about you when you left the WordPress.com VIP service, I emailed you several times to make sure you were taking care of the security stuff but you never answered!"

Scoble's face freezes, the fury drains away, he bites his lips, nods gently and murmurs "Yes, you're right, I deserve this, I should never have left". He bursts into tears - loud, blubbing tears. Matt and I are embarrassed, we quietly step away.

As Matt flies me back to my house, I ponder the deep lesson I have received but, as we land, I feel compelled to ask one last question.

"Matt, you've been so helpful and you've spent years helping the world learn to love blogging ... but what's in it for you?"

"Well, I'll let you into a secret, Donnacha - I'm doing it for de lols! I'm going to get all you suckers to spend the next few years tapping away at your keyboards, pouring your lives into our system and then ... I'm going to delete all that shit!

"Seriously man," continues Matt with an evil glint in his eye, "It will be hilarious! First, all the WP.com blog posts will be replaced with pictures of Anil Dash beating a kitten. Then I activate my secret backdoor into every self-hosted WordPress site and replace all of those posts, millions of them, with pictures of an enraged Orangutang beating Anil Dash".

"But Matt" I gasp "You'll ruin your business and your career!"

"Nah, I only ever did this WordPress shit as a way to meet chicks at WordCamps - seriously, have you seen all the photos of WordCamp chicks I post on my blog? I'm not kidding, I've had all of them"

"No way! You lucky swine! Even that supercute one in Shanghai?" I ask.

Matt smiles, nods smugly and slowly enunciates "Twice!"

Damn! We high-five and make hooting noises for a few minutes.

When we both calm down, I ask the big question "But, Matt, why would you, just for the sake of a massive deletion prank, why would you give up all those girls and all the money?

"Well, I don't need the money, I've already been offered the job of my dreams at Microsoft, creating a blogging platform that runs entirely on Zunes ... it's going to be massive. As for girls, well, I've run out of sperm anyway. "

"What?! Is that even biologically possible?"

"It is if you attend as many WordCamps as I do. It's all gone, my entire lifetime supply, that's just how it is when you're a major celebrity, women practically mug you for it. Richard Branson told me that he ran out of his lifetime supply when he was just 14"

"Wow, I'm sorry Matt, I never realized that there was a downside to be a super successful celebrity, surrounded gorgeous women all the time.

"It's not all bad, he says cheerily, "When we celebrities use up the last of our sperm, we gain the power of flight - unlike normal mortals, we now have super-light nutsacks, freeing us from the Earth's gravitational pull"

"Talking of which, I must go now, I am needed elsewhere" he says, starting to hover above the ground and preparing to jet off into the night.

"But wait, what about my upgrade?" I shout. Matt turns, stares at my Macbook, tilts back his head and I am momentarily stunned as a broad, bright red laser beam shoots violently out of his nostrils for several seconds. The beam envelopes my Macbook.

"There, I've given you the secret version of WordPress that all of us insiders use - the version with automatic remote upgrades of the core, the plugins, the themes ... everything - never again will you suffer the burden of having to press a button. Oh, and I've also upgraded you to Snow Leopard"

And with that, he shoots up and away, apparently unable to hear my final shouted question: "But what about my installation of Joomla, you wanker?!".